[How? How could I ever do that? The first questions that spill to mind are almost frantic, perhaps because Char never has considered letting go. How could he afford to, with so much riding on his shoulders?
He sinks lower, cheek against the cool counter. He's forgotten the water already.]
...You think it's a matter of willingness? That I hold this weight by choice?
[Is Solomon saying that was all his decision in the end?]
[Jeez, Char, please don't fall on the floor... Sighing, Solomon breaks the distance, a hand to Char's shoulder very lightly.]
I only speak from experience. To even think of not holding a guilt close... it feels like a failure at times. An act of cowardice. But those feelings are coming from myself as much as they may from anyone else. If I cannot see them for what they are, it doesnt matter who might forgive me.
There's no need to apologize to me. [That touch strengthens, just slightly, a rub back and forth against his shoulder.]
It's not as though I'm saying such things to condemn you, you know. You're so trapped inside your own heart, Danya, it's hard to say if I know you, or just the shade of you that wears your guilt like a cloak.
[Consoled? The thought feels wrong, unbearably wrong. It's enough to make Char wobble upright, abandoning the idea of fetching water altogether, and stagger back toward the infirmary bed.]
You already know more than you should. Why don't we call it a night?
[...He pauses, his back still to Solomon, but when he speaks, it's in earnest.]
The name Casval may have reached the mouths of the Extras, but I haven't answered to it in a long time. If you know me as anyone, know me as Char Aznable.
["Nishi" has fallen dormant much the same way Casval hasβ just another mask he wore in another time. Fractured though he was, Nishi had been the better man. He's earned his rest.]
[Face down as he is, Char can listen to the muffled sounds of the tap being turned on, then off. Footsteps, and then something being rested close to his head in his field of vision - a glass, however small, of the water he'd ignored.]
Rest well, then, Danya. May we both be whole in the morning.
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cw: drug discussion/drug use
[How? How could I ever do that? The first questions that spill to mind are almost frantic, perhaps because Char never has considered letting go. How could he afford to, with so much riding on his shoulders?
He sinks lower, cheek against the cool counter. He's forgotten the water already.]
...You think it's a matter of willingness? That I hold this weight by choice?
[Is Solomon saying that was all his decision in the end?]
Cw: drug discussion/drug use
[Jeez, Char, please don't fall on the floor... Sighing, Solomon breaks the distance, a hand to Char's shoulder very lightly.]
I only speak from experience. To even think of not holding a guilt close... it feels like a failure at times. An act of cowardice. But those feelings are coming from myself as much as they may from anyone else. If I cannot see them for what they are, it doesnt matter who might forgive me.
cw: drug discussion/drug use
I can't just let it go. These... reminders of my mistakesβthey keep me honest. A weight like this should follow a man through lifetimes.
[This is his grave, built brick by bloody brick. Char turns his face away, shielding it from Solomon's view.]
I'm sorry. If your advice had reached me sooner... maybe things would have turned out differently.
[Maybe he could have listened. Maybe, just maybe.]
cw: drug discussion/drug use
It's not as though I'm saying such things to condemn you, you know. You're so trapped inside your own heart, Danya, it's hard to say if I know you, or just the shade of you that wears your guilt like a cloak.
cw: drug discussion/drug use
You already know more than you should. Why don't we call it a night?
[He feels too exposed. Too raw.]
cw: drug discussion/drug use
Would I be able to ask you one last thing, before you lie yourself down to ignore me?
[...]
Who are you really, "Nishi"? Or would you rather keep that buried?
cw: drug discussion/drug use
The name Casval may have reached the mouths of the Extras, but I haven't answered to it in a long time. If you know me as anyone, know me as Char Aznable.
["Nishi" has fallen dormant much the same way Casval hasβ just another mask he wore in another time. Fractured though he was, Nishi had been the better man. He's earned his rest.]
cw: drug discussion/drug use
Would you like that to stay between us?
cw: drug discussion/drug use
Muffled by the sheetsβ]
Address me as you usually would... I've already drawn too much pointed attention to myself.
[Throwing a new name in the mix will only confuse people more. Better that it come up in conversation naturally like this, if anything.]
cw: drug discussion/drug use
[Face down as he is, Char can listen to the muffled sounds of the tap being turned on, then off. Footsteps, and then something being rested close to his head in his field of vision - a glass, however small, of the water he'd ignored.]
Rest well, then, Danya. May we both be whole in the morning.