At the moment? No. [Solomon carefully lifts to his feet, just so he can keep Nishi in eyesight.]
I noticed changes in your behavior this evening, yes, but despite that, you seem just as hard on yourself as you were before, if not more. Incomprehensibly so.
Even if you'd been forgiven, you certainly aren't acting like you believe as much.
[He lets out a low, humorless laugh, one that shakes his shoulders slightly as if to dislodge some lingering weight. The dim light catches the edges of his mask and helmet, reminding him of the person he once was and the masks he's worn since.]
...Forgiven? Perhaps. But forgiveness isn't... enough. Not for what I've done. Not for the lives I've shattered, the people I've hurtβ even those I care for most.
[Especially them. He slumps slightly against the counter, hands running over its cold surface as if grounding himself to the moment.]
I may have been forgiven by others... but I can't forgive myself. And sometimes, Solomon... sometimes I wonder if I ever will.
[The drug dulls the edges of restraint; he doesn't bother polishing his words, letting them spill freely. His gaze meets Solomon's, unflinching, seeking acknowledgment more than absolution.]
[It feels similar to a conversation they'd had on first meeting, though with far more to fill the cracks - instead of a blind panic at the unknown, this feels far more like the words of a man with weight and clarity to those things that fill him with regrets.]
...Sins are a heavy thing to hold. Even if you know everyone else will move on... some times, I believe it's too hard to let go completely.
[The destruction. The hate. An image of a body, cold on foreign soils at the foot of a fountain.]
[How? How could I ever do that? The first questions that spill to mind are almost frantic, perhaps because Char never has considered letting go. How could he afford to, with so much riding on his shoulders?
He sinks lower, cheek against the cool counter. He's forgotten the water already.]
...You think it's a matter of willingness? That I hold this weight by choice?
[Is Solomon saying that was all his decision in the end?]
[Jeez, Char, please don't fall on the floor... Sighing, Solomon breaks the distance, a hand to Char's shoulder very lightly.]
I only speak from experience. To even think of not holding a guilt close... it feels like a failure at times. An act of cowardice. But those feelings are coming from myself as much as they may from anyone else. If I cannot see them for what they are, it doesnt matter who might forgive me.
There's no need to apologize to me. [That touch strengthens, just slightly, a rub back and forth against his shoulder.]
It's not as though I'm saying such things to condemn you, you know. You're so trapped inside your own heart, Danya, it's hard to say if I know you, or just the shade of you that wears your guilt like a cloak.
[Consoled? The thought feels wrong, unbearably wrong. It's enough to make Char wobble upright, abandoning the idea of fetching water altogether, and stagger back toward the infirmary bed.]
You already know more than you should. Why don't we call it a night?
[...He pauses, his back still to Solomon, but when he speaks, it's in earnest.]
The name Casval may have reached the mouths of the Extras, but I haven't answered to it in a long time. If you know me as anyone, know me as Char Aznable.
["Nishi" has fallen dormant much the same way Casval hasβ just another mask he wore in another time. Fractured though he was, Nishi had been the better man. He's earned his rest.]
[Face down as he is, Char can listen to the muffled sounds of the tap being turned on, then off. Footsteps, and then something being rested close to his head in his field of vision - a glass, however small, of the water he'd ignored.]
Rest well, then, Danya. May we both be whole in the morning.
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cw: drug discussion/drug use
...As the life you knew as "Nishi", I assume?
So what changed? Do you know?
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...You could call it Nishi's life. But what changed? Tell meβ do I look like a man who's been forgiven? Or one who never stopped being what he was?
cw: drug discussion/drug use
I noticed changes in your behavior this evening, yes, but despite that, you seem just as hard on yourself as you were before, if not more. Incomprehensibly so.
Even if you'd been forgiven, you certainly aren't acting like you believe as much.
cw: drug discussion/drug use
...Forgiven? Perhaps. But forgiveness isn't... enough. Not for what I've done. Not for the lives I've shattered, the people I've hurtβ even those I care for most.
[Especially them. He slumps slightly against the counter, hands running over its cold surface as if grounding himself to the moment.]
I may have been forgiven by others... but I can't forgive myself. And sometimes, Solomon... sometimes I wonder if I ever will.
[The drug dulls the edges of restraint; he doesn't bother polishing his words, letting them spill freely. His gaze meets Solomon's, unflinching, seeking acknowledgment more than absolution.]
cw: drug discussion/drug use
...Sins are a heavy thing to hold. Even if you know everyone else will move on... some times, I believe it's too hard to let go completely.
[The destruction. The hate. An image of a body, cold on foreign soils at the foot of a fountain.]
...
Are you afraid of what might happen, if you do?
cw: drug discussion/drug use
[How? How could I ever do that? The first questions that spill to mind are almost frantic, perhaps because Char never has considered letting go. How could he afford to, with so much riding on his shoulders?
He sinks lower, cheek against the cool counter. He's forgotten the water already.]
...You think it's a matter of willingness? That I hold this weight by choice?
[Is Solomon saying that was all his decision in the end?]
Cw: drug discussion/drug use
[Jeez, Char, please don't fall on the floor... Sighing, Solomon breaks the distance, a hand to Char's shoulder very lightly.]
I only speak from experience. To even think of not holding a guilt close... it feels like a failure at times. An act of cowardice. But those feelings are coming from myself as much as they may from anyone else. If I cannot see them for what they are, it doesnt matter who might forgive me.
cw: drug discussion/drug use
I can't just let it go. These... reminders of my mistakesβthey keep me honest. A weight like this should follow a man through lifetimes.
[This is his grave, built brick by bloody brick. Char turns his face away, shielding it from Solomon's view.]
I'm sorry. If your advice had reached me sooner... maybe things would have turned out differently.
[Maybe he could have listened. Maybe, just maybe.]
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It's not as though I'm saying such things to condemn you, you know. You're so trapped inside your own heart, Danya, it's hard to say if I know you, or just the shade of you that wears your guilt like a cloak.
cw: drug discussion/drug use
You already know more than you should. Why don't we call it a night?
[He feels too exposed. Too raw.]
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Would I be able to ask you one last thing, before you lie yourself down to ignore me?
[...]
Who are you really, "Nishi"? Or would you rather keep that buried?
cw: drug discussion/drug use
The name Casval may have reached the mouths of the Extras, but I haven't answered to it in a long time. If you know me as anyone, know me as Char Aznable.
["Nishi" has fallen dormant much the same way Casval hasβ just another mask he wore in another time. Fractured though he was, Nishi had been the better man. He's earned his rest.]
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Would you like that to stay between us?
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Muffled by the sheetsβ]
Address me as you usually would... I've already drawn too much pointed attention to myself.
[Throwing a new name in the mix will only confuse people more. Better that it come up in conversation naturally like this, if anything.]
cw: drug discussion/drug use
[Face down as he is, Char can listen to the muffled sounds of the tap being turned on, then off. Footsteps, and then something being rested close to his head in his field of vision - a glass, however small, of the water he'd ignored.]
Rest well, then, Danya. May we both be whole in the morning.